Gratituesday - Little reminders that I am not invisible

Last Friday when I was having dinner with my Captivating friends, I confessed that I’ve been feeling fine and how much I hate it. I want to be extraordinary and bursting with creative energy and…and…seen. Fine is not good enough for me. I lamented how I feel like I’m stuck in the rut of routine and that even though I know I’m glad to be home with my children, sometimes I feel like I’ve lost the fun, spontaneous version of myself. She accidentally got sucked down the drain while scrubbing the bathtub. In my last post I talked a little about the journey I’m on..finding those pieces of myself that I cut off to fit into molds that I don’t belong in, and removing the pieces I attached that don’t fit and weren’t meant for me. I am not depressed, but I’ve been in a bit of a pensive mood since Friday. I know a mother’s job can sometimes be thankless and this is more that just about being a mom.

This morning I received an email from my friend Kristi. In light of our conversation on Friday at dinner, she wanted me to read a story she had been sent. She wanted to affirm that I am in fact - very seen. As much as I dislike receiving the cutesy emails some of my friends are so fond of, this one was really encouraging to me. I’m never invisible and I matter. Don’t we all need that reminder once in a while?

Invisible Mother…..

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’ Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? Some days I’m not a pair of hands ; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer,’What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths,after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna love it there.’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Want to join us for Gratituesday?

Head on over to Laura’s blog - Heavenly Homemakers and link up.

Thinking through the weekend

I just re-read my Mother’s Day post. I don’t want to leave anyone thinking I am ungrateful for my children, my husband, and the many mothers I have in my life. I am so grateful! In my drive to be authentic I didn’t want to gloss over the painful parts of the day and pretend they didn’t matter just because I need to be thankful for what I have. How many have been wounded by those kinds of remarks made by people with misguided senses of “helping a grieving mother focus on the good in her life”? I know the good I have.

This was a busy, good, and difficult weekend for me. The weekend began with a fabulous start - dinner with the Captivating women and my gifts from Benny and the kiddos. Saturday was spent cleaning, praying, and thinking, then ended with our school talent show where my little drama king (literally) was absolutely wonderful. Max’s Drama class performed an assortment of vignettes and he played the part of King Philip coercing his best knight to slay a dragon. It was a comedy and Max was a natural. They were having some difficulties back stage with costumes, so his teacher had him throw in some silent comedy relief. The audience thought he was hilarious. Watching one of my kiddos make a whole audience laugh just lifted my spirits to a new height for the day. It was great to watch the variety of talent displayed by the students and teachers of FACE. I am thankful for the role our school has played in our lives this year.

Sunday I sang with the band and worshipped at our church then enjoyed Benny’s grilled brats and the works. I spent the afternoon crying my way through P.S. I Love You. I know, it’s a girl thing. Women who know themselves know when they need a good cry and they find a way to make it happen. Mine is through a few select movies, and that is my current favorite “crying movie”. It lets me walk through grief yet also offers hope and healing. It was just what my heart needed. Then my family held our weekly ritual of watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition together and I cried all the way through that. My kiddos kept asking, “Are those happy tears Momma?” Some were, some weren’t. I had a pretty good crying headache going by the time I fell into bed last night. I am better today.

I had a REALLY weird dream Friday night that is too long (and strange) to share here, but I woke up knowing that there was great meaning in it. I grabbed my Bible to see if I could discover the answer there and asked God to walk me through the revealing of the meaning. I found the answer in my heart and mind instead of in the written word. I love that God speaks to us in so many different ways. So without explaining the dream, here’s the meaning behind it. (This may help you understand my journey at the moment.)

There are things in my life that I am not passionate about, but have taken on for various reasons. Some because I am capable and gifted in those areas and some because there was the pay off of recognition for me. These things, while worthy of time and attention, are not meant for me and I’m not meant for them. By wasting my focus on these things, I’m taking away from my true passions and purpose and also maybe taking away the opportunity someone else needs to step into these roles because they were meant for them. Some of these things sort of dropped into my lap while others I created my own place in them or started them myself. But all of them must come to an end for me to be able to become who I am meant to be…who I WANT to be. My friend Wendy has a saying to explain one of the processes in her own journey. She says she can look behind her and see the big chunks of herself that she cut off along the way to fit into whatever mold others thought (or she thought) she was supposed to fit into. Part of her journey has been discovering what those lost pieces of herself were and becoming whole once again. She’s learning how to take up space and stand in her own skin. I love that. I can relate to that. I think I have been decieved into thinking I’m too much. I’m too loud, too opinionated, too emotional, too type A, you get the picture. I’ve cut big chunks of myself off to fit certain molds, then gone beyond that and sewn some extra ones on so I am a better fit. The truth is I’m trying to fit into the wrong molds and I’m done. Those extra pieces need to come off. I need to rediscover the parts of me that are truly me and fully embrace them. Here’s where it gets scary for me. I’m going to disappoint some people by taking off the excess. They’ve come to depend on me and I really hate letting anyone down. But one of the things God has shown me is that I’m not the only one that can do those jobs. He can raise up someone else and perhaps I’m even in the way of that someone else filling the role they were meant for.

I’m beginning a new phase of removing the pieces that aren’t mine to wear and trying on the pieces that were cut off over the years. It has a similar feel to trying on clothes, which I don’t like to do because it involves disappointment. But I feel a spark of hope, acceptance and joy in the process as well. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be anyone else. I don’t want anyone else’s job, life, gifts and talents, sorrows, or responsibilities. I want my own. I want to be me because nobody else can be. They can try, but they will fail, just like I’ve failed at being anyone other than me. It will be interesting to see what happens next.

These were my thoughts over the weekend. No wonder it was difficult.

Mourning through Mother’s Day

I was at dinner with the Captivating women last night when my family walked in the restaurant with a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, and a mylar balloon that said “Happy Mother’s Day Eve Eve” on it. Benny had added the “Eve, Eve” part. I was really surprised and I loved it. It was totally unexpected. I have a wonderful family and I’m glad they appreciate me. It was a wonderful gift and you should have seen the three pairs of shining eyes and beaming grins directed at me as my kiddos presented me with my gifts. It was precious.

I know today is supposed to be a joyous occasion. I usually have visions of children bringing me breakfast in bed and stopping off for a cup of chai on my way to church. I imagine myself having a nice lazy lunch with my family followed by a relaxing afternoon of reading magazines and watching chick flicks. While that may not be far off from my plans for today, I’m not feeling very festive.

This Mother’s day is so different from the past eight Mother’s Days I’ve enjoyed. Losing our baby back in January has left me more emotional and painfully aware of all of the mothers in the world who are without their children. I’ve had two college friends miscarry since I did. One of them lost her twins this week. She had just created and posted a blog so friends and family could track their growth and progress. Then came the doctor’s appointment with no heartbeats. My heart is aching for her. Remember when I said I had hoped sharing my story would encourage others and let them know they are not alone? Guess who my friend turned to? So something good has come out of my loss and I believe that will continue to happen. On the flip side, one of my other friends just birthed a beautiful baby boy and I am so thrilled for her.

I still have so many unanswered questions. I feel something is missing from me. A friend of a friend, Loretta had a REALLY interesting blog post where she talked about the connection a mother and her unborn child have and how they exchange blood and stem cells and how the baby is physically a part of the mother long after she loses him/her or gives birth. I’ll be posting about that more this week.

Another friend who blogged about Mother’s Day reminded me how painful it was all of those years we didn’t have children. I had to sit through an entire church service that talked about the blessings of motherhood when I couldn’t seem to get pregnant no matter what I tried. It felt like a slap in the face and every May was a dreaded reminder of my seeming infertility. When I finally did get pregnant with Max, Benny presented me with my first Mother’s Day card…in January. Love that man!

Mother’s Day is just not one of my favorite holidays. I’m thankful for it, but it’s bittersweet this year. Sorry to be such a downer. I hope all of you that are mothers are blessed by your children and families today. For all of you who are not yet mothers or may never be, either by choice or by circumstance, my hope for you is that God will fill you with peace and love and grant you the deepest desires of your hearts. If this is a painful holiday for you, I wish I could reach out and hug you. I know I have three phone calls to make. I want to express my gratitude to my mom, step-mom, and mother-in-law for pouring what they have into me and my family.

Happy Mother’s Day friends!  And Happy Birthday to my Mother-in-law Margie!

* Willow Tree Figurines can be found at many nationwide bookstores and at www.demdaco.com

Gratituesday - Teenagers

Every Thursday night Benny has a group of high school boys over for a time of fellowship and accountability.  I enjoy making snacks for them and they love my sweet tea. :)  Last Thursday 11 of these boys spent the night so they could go to a late movie with Benny.  It was interesting sleeping that many teenage boys in our little house, but it was fun too.  Especially breakfast time before we all had to leave for school.  They hung around and we all chatted while we ate. They played with my kids and cleaned up their own stuff, and we laughed…a lot.  Having them here almost made me miss being in traditional youth ministry.

A few weeks ago I was meeting a friend for coffee.  I arrived first and as I sat outside waiting for my friend, I saw a group of teens carrying trash bags navigate their way around the parking lot and surrounding restaurants picking up trash.  One of them looked at me so I smiled at her and she smiled back.  It looked like a youth group activity though I’m not sure.  They weren’t trudging through the mundane job, they were smiling and cracking jokes while they worked.  They were quietly making a difference in that community.

Sarah is our fabulous babysitter and one of my favorite teens.  She is honest, trustworthy, hardworking, loving to everyone she meets, and she loves life.  She is also the daughter of one of my best friends.  I love being around her and hearing her take on life.

Ray is the teenager that cares for Pete in the nursery during first hour at Friday School.  Pete adores him and tells me Ray is one of his best friends.  He is kind to Pete, gets down on the floor and plays cars and legos with him, and shares his snacks.  Pete cracks Ray up and they have a good time together.

We LOVE teenagers.  We always have.  They are so creative and courageous and just waiting to be set free.  Too often they get a bad rap.  Sure, they’re hormonal and moody sometimes.  It’s a struggle for anybody to figure out their lives and who they are supposed to be.  I know 30 year olds that are still dealing with that.

One of the things that drives me crazy is when people tell us how great, polite, ___(you fill in the blank), our kids are then follow it up with “enjoy it now…just wait until they’re teenagers!”  Don’t set my kids or any other kids up for failure.  Don’t tell them or others that you’re bracing yourself for their teenage years.  That’s like telling a woman, “You’re nice now, but boy am I bracing myself for when you hit menopause.”  yikes.

Teenagers are great people who are begging to be noticed and loved and given an opportunity to make a difference.  They are insightful, emotional, and have tremendous energy that can be focused in amazing ways when given a little direction and guidance.  I love teenagers.  They have their own special place in History as well.

David was a teenager when he went into battle and killed Goliath.

Mary was a teenager when she gave birth to Jesus.

Joan of Arc was a teenager when she led her troops into battle and died a martyr’s death.

Mary Shelley was a teenager when she wrote Frankenstein.

Franklin Sousley, was a teenager when he was one of the six men in the famous photograph of troops Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was a teenager when he penned his first opera. (His first composition was written at age 5)

Teenagers were an integral part of the the Civil Rights Movement and have made their mark in history.  I believe they will continue to do so.

Teenagers are amazing and I’m grateful to have them in my life. 

Want to join us for Gratituesday?

Head on over to Laura’s blog - Heavenly Homemakers and link up.

If a picture paints a thousand words…

Touching base

It occurred to me - while being teased about my lack of blogging last week - that I failed to give an update on the prayer request for my friend.  I met them at the courthouse on Wednesday morning - and I missed the whole thing due to backed up traffic on I-70.  I arrived as they were finishing up. :(  Everything went very well and my friend will be able to remain in his home with his family.  They still have a long road ahead of them, but we believe the worst is behind them.  I am so thankful for answered prayers on their behalf!  You are all blessings to me, my family, and my friends!  Thank You!

Friday was our last day of school at FACE until Fall, though we still have graduation and the promotional ceremony, the talent show, the awards banquet, etc. throughout the month of May and early June.  I have mixed feelings about it being the end of the school year for FACE.  I have built friendships with some of the other parents that I only see on Fridays and I’m not sure if they are the kinds of friendship that will endure through the summer…or will they just pick up where we left off when we all come back for classes in the Fall?  I’m terrible at making and keeping play dates with people.  It seems that more often than not something comes up that prevents me from following through.  Just ask my co-coordinator for Moms and Kids at church.  I help plan the activities then only make it to a third of them myself.  Maybe that’s o.k.  I’m not expected to be at everything, but maintaining relationships does require some time sacrifices.  I guess I need to determine where my priorities are, right?

If you have a few minutes, go visit my Sex, Love, and Marriage blog.  I’m interviewing Drenda Thomas, a woman who runs a ministry dedicated to reaching out to the people who work (and visit) strip clubs in the Houston, TX area.  Drenda and her team are amazing individuals doing a great thing for the men and women they meet in the adult entertainment industry!

Gratituesday - Hand Me Downs

What do you get when you cross three children who are growing faster than a speeding bullet and a tight budget?  Frustration.  When we were in full time youth ministry, I had friends who would pass little boy stuff on to me for Max.  I don’t think I ever had to buy him a jacket until he was 7.  But then I had a girl.  Saving Max’s hand me downs wasn’t helpful.  My youngest is a boy, but there’s a 4 year age difference and we’ve never lived in a place that has a ton of storage space.  Instead of saving things for Pete, I passed them along to other mothers or to Goodwill.  Then we moved to Denver.  Somehow I find myself with no friends who have kids in the right stages to pass me down their used goods.  I pass stuff on to my neighbors, take it to our Friday school group and to Goodwill.

We’ve been riding the growth spurt roller coaster all year and it always seemed to peak when it was the most inconvenient for us.  Like a week before payday we’d discover that Zoe’s pants were all too tight and ripped out in the knees.  Pete’s pants were too short and ripped out in the knees.  Max’s pants were…well, his fit fine and were ripped out in the knees.  See the pattern?  I don’t mind the ripped out knees for most occasions.  I was a child of the 80’s and there was a time we fought for the right to keep that style when it exasperated our parents.  (That was after stonewashed jeans and the tapered and rolled up or pinned at the bottom look.) ;)  And just a few years ago people were paying to buy jeans that were already ripped.  But there are some places we go where I’d rather my kids be a little less..uh…holey.

My daughter is 5 but is the size of most 8 year olds.  She’s only a few inches shorter than her 8 year old brother and he’s no shorty either.  After one of our “I can’t believe this doesn’t fit you anymore” discussions, I was frustrated and got online to post a note to our Friday homeschooling group on the message board asking if anyone had hand me downs for Zoe’s size.  For the last three weeks, a few different women have brought me bags of clothes for Zoe to try on and told me to pass the rest along to someone else who might want them.  There were some really nice things in those bags!  One lady even thanked me for motivating her to go through her daughters closet and clear out stuff that didn’t fit her or she never wore.

I’m so grateful for hand me downs which save me money so I can fill in the rest of the wardrobe needs.

Want to join us for Gratituesday?

Head on over to Laura’s blog - Heavenly Homemakers and link up.

Tom T. Hall - I Love

I thought I’d pass along something that made me smile.

Donating Platelets

That’s my plan for Monday morning.  This is one of the easiest ways I give back to my community. In less than 2 hours, I can change the world for someone else.  I copied this from the website of the hospital where I donate every 6-8 weeks:

When you become a volunteer blood donor you give:

…another birthday
…another anniversary
…another day at the beach
…another night under the stars
…another talk with a friend
…another laugh
…another hug
…another chance

What are you donating and how does it help patients?

Platelets are irregularly shaped colorless cells that are present in blood. Their sticky surface lets them, along with other substances, form clots to stop bleeding. Patients who need platelets are often critically ill from diseases such as leukemia and other types of cancer, or certain blood disorders that interfere with the body’s ability to produce platelets. Many of today’s modern treatments, such as chemotherapy and radiation therapy destroy platelets. Our need for donors is never-ending because platelets can only be stored for five days.

Plasma makes up about 55% of your blood.

It is the fluid portion of your blood, which carries all other blood components such as coagulation factors and plasma proteins that may be lacking or defective in recipients. Patients who receive plasma nclude those with: severe burns, organ transplant, clotting disorders, rare blood diseases, severe trauma, and patients undergoing surgical procedures. Those who receive plasma often have lost a significant amount of blood and fluid and may require multiple transfusions. Plasma may be frozen and stored for up to one year.

Red Blood Cells carry oxygen to all parts of the body.

These cells are most often needed after significant blood loss through trauma or for patients undergoing surgery or experiencing anemia. Red blood cells can be donated every two months (56 days).

Does it hurt?

Donating blood is not painful. You’ll only feel a slight pinch when the needle is placed in your arm. We have TVs and a selection of current DVD movies available at each station so that you can relax and feel at home while donating blood. We also have wireless internet access so you can bring your laptop while you donate.

How can you help?

Give a special gift of life! A volunteer blood donor is a very special person. When you become a donor you know you are helping someone who is in critical need of a blood product. There is no way to obtain a life giving donation except through the generosity of healthy donors like YOU!

What is holding you back from being a donor?  Fear?  Time?  Apathy?  All of those are conquerable! Go save a life people.  Your community needs you.

Prayer Request Update

Thank you all for praying for my friends. Unfortunately the hearing has been rescheduled for next Wednesday morning. They are under a tremendous amount of stress and waiting makes it even worse. Please continue to pray for them. Lifting others up to the Father is a privilege whether we know them personally or not. I believe prayer moves the hand of God and I’m certain that God hears us praying for my friends. I believe He has my friends in the palm of His hand and He loves them even more than I do. I’ll do my best to encourage them from here. Will you please cover them from wherever you are? Thank You!